This Conspiracy Thing…

By Tom Allensworth,

Publisher, AVSIM Online

We are flight sim enthusiasts. We are down to earth; fundamentally retro-90’s types and we do have a life. However, there is a conspiracy that is working against us and could, potentially, make us all into sim terrorists. It will soon arrive on our doorsteps and now is the time to unify and seek solace in our numbers! It is time that all simmers of all stripes stood up and protested.

Okay, here it comes… We are approaching spring in the northern hemisphere where (despite our southern hemisphere brethren’s protests to the contrary) most flight sim enthusiast live. And you southern hemisphere types please remember, in six or so months, you will be in the same bowl of kimchee as your northern brothers! So, pay heed!

With spring comes this conspiracy to throttle our hobby and our enthusiasm. It is pervasive and comes to any who have neighbors that have expectations of you and how you will measure up throughout the summer. It will deny you time from your favorite flight simulator. It could cause calluses, blisters, skinned knees and potentially, warts on your most important typing fingers – imagine flying that night approach into KORD (with your office/den/basement lights out) and hoping to find the correct key to deploy the flaps through your callused and gnarly fingers!

Compound that risk (some would say “threat”) with your spouse standing at your side. You know for certain that she/he is just waiting for you to drive the struts through the wings, or land “sans” gear at all. And all the while prepared, armed and awaiting the moment when she/he can say… “Holy moly… glad I didn’t have to pay for that ticket”, just as she/he turns abruptly and walks out. Of course, you forgot to the lower the gear (don’t we all?), and despite the fact that the approach was the finest that you have ever made, the searing memory of a gear up landing will forever rip itself through your dreams. The dream, of course, is of the moment when you could have impressed your spouse with your flying expertise. To quote the radio reporter at another famous aviation disaster - “Ah, the inhumanity of it all!”.

Certainly, we hope you would agree, a recipe for disaster and guaranteed to cast a certain pall which will fall upon your simming head and last weeks, if not months – like all summer long!!! Our mutual shared sympathies and the need for rebellion are the forces that must unite us all!

What the heck is he talking about???

If you haven’t looked recently, then do so. Go ahead and open the front blinds. Open up your “bat cave”; you know, the creepy darkness that your neighbors whisper about… You know what I mean. You can hear them thinking “His house is always dark and cave like and he/she sits in front of the computer for hours on end. And we don’t know why!” Go ahead and open those blinds. Notice the green stuff in your front yard? It’s grass. REALLY! And now, it is starting to grow.

Shift your gaze to the two trees out there too. Buds are showing!!!

Stuff in your yard is starting to happen! GROW, that is. Neighbors are starting to spread manure. And not just about you and your hobby! They are actually feeding this stuff! They want it to grow. They want it to be “greener”. They actually feed on the fact that they will have to work on this thing called “lawn”. These people actually spend 4 to 8 hours every weekend working on this green expanse that just begs for continued attention – FROM YOU! But you are armed with your badge of simdom. You have more important things to do. You have to get those 350 PAX from EGLL to KJFK, or KORD, or KLAX, or heck, all of them on Saturday. You can’t let your PAX down or the controllers and others that must have you present in their flight sim universe come Saturday.

You see, there is this conspiracy...

I don’t know about you, but as spring approaches, I get paranoid. My neighbors, not to mention my wife, expect that the lawn will be as finely groomed as theirs. I can handle the wife (see excuses below), but the neighbors are another thing altogether. They actually expect me to mow it once a week. They expect me to spread manure (okay, admittedly not a real challenge for me - as the staff at AVSIM can attest to). They really do expect me to rake the leaves. They really do (unbelievably) expect me to keep the imported water bottles thrown by the snooty neighbor’s kid (just one foot within our property line by the way), picked up. They expect that I will get out and drive or push (Gawd forbid) this spiked thingy to “aerate the lawn”. That ain’t a lawn tool. That’s a weapon lurking for some prepubescent kids to come along and impale themselves on. Talks about liability insurance! All in the name of keeping this thing called “lawn” pristine, green, cut and clear of debris.

But the inhumanity of it is that we have flying to do! We can’t waste time futzing around in the yard/garden! Right?

Well hang on fellow simmer, the pressure is about to get “pumped up”, as they say. In not more than a blink of an eye, as you sit at your console making a wonderful cross country flight in your favorite 747 some soon to arrive Saturday morning, you will hear the ugly and mean spirited roar of the hated lawn mower - in stereo no less! That’s right; neighbors on both sides of you will be pummeling your sensitivities with stereophonic lawn mowing. You will eventually look out from your bat cave to find that your grass is noticeably higher than the yards on either side of you. You know you will. It will stand out as a neighborhood beacon of your crass disregard for the uniform look of finely manicured lawns. It will stand out as a guilt invoking, angst generating spot in the middle of your forebrain until you do something about it.

They know you “do” flight simming. They don’t understand it, and think you are three bricks short of a full load; that your elevator doesn’t go up to the top floor, or if they know anything about aviation, that you are at full rpm but with no pitch on your prop – you know the types. They obviously got together the previous evening (without an invitation to you by the way!) and conspired to mow their lawns at the same time. They are obviously out to make a point.

Finally, how do you know you are absolutely surrounded by a conspiracy? Simple, if within three hours on that fateful Saturday, all the other neighborhood denizens have mowed their lawns too, and yours is the only one left in its, well, virgin state, then you have ‘em nailed. Definite proof!

Now the ball is in your court. What to do?

1.) Sit it out. Winter will reappear shortly. Tell your neighbors that you are setting up a Japanese beetle sanctuary in the tall grass along with “You know, they are an endangered species – we have to do something!!!”

2.) Tell your wife that you have carpal tunnel ankles and that she needs to mow the lawn, but just this week cause you are sure that you will heal by next Saturday

3.) Claim to have deep vein thrombosis of the posterior and that you couldn’t possibly push/ride that thing around for any more than a minute, let alone the hour or two that it really takes

4.) Sell the house and buy a third floor apartment somewhere where there are no trees, lawn, neighbors (or kids for that matter – ever notice how the families with kids expect to socialize – again possibly taking away from your flight time???)

5.) Hire a paving contractor and pave over the entire lawn, and then paint the pavement green. Don’t forget to uproot the trees too. If you have a flat, now paved area, put up a tennis net and tell the neighbors you are providing for the unsupervised enjoyment of the neighborhood – sorry you can’t attend, you have too much “work” to do.

6.) Buy yourself a 400 acre farm and one cow (any more than one cow and you will regret ever getting rid of the lawn. A cows is supposed to have tall grass! And whoever saw a neatly trimmed barnyard? Just make sure the farm has electricity and a phone! No die-hard simmer could do without. Oh, and don't forget to sell your one cow's manure to all those city slickers - $1.00 a pound and they have to, er, harvest it! You can use the income to buy more sim stuff!

This is enough to make one a (Boolean NOT) echo terrorist. You know, like spiking the fuel of their mowers, sneaking out at night and spraying their lawns with grass killer, that kind of stuff. We wouldn’t really do that of course, but us simmers live with the guilt and angst of this every blooming summer. It is time to take a stand. We should start an organization that deals with this issue. The first thing we could do is issue a three-foot square decal that members can post to the front wall of their homes. It states:

Beware!

Sim Pilot in residence.

Summer allergies rampant and contagious

Do not disturb between May 1 and October 20^th

Did I ever tell you I hate UNIX? No? Well, I hate mowing the lawn just as much. But oh, oh… I hate Wisteria even more… There is this Wisteria thing that I need to get off my chest… but I will save that for my next conspiracy story.

Yours truly,

Tom Allensworth

AVSIM Online

Postscript: after having read and ruminated over this article, my wife had a few comments. I won’t quote them directly as we have a mixed readership that I don’t wish to offend. Suffice to say that each comment started with the famous American phrase that starts with the word “Bull….”. Need I say more? Ah, condo living was so much easier!