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Guest Fjorko

On the lighter side of Aviation..........

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Guest Fjorko

Air traffic control --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Air traffic control real chatter.Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will neverhear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airlinepilots and control towers around the world.================================================== ==========Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"================================================== =========="TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.""Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"===============================================================O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is aFokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got thelittle Fokker in sight."================================================== ==========A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. Whileattempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was yourlast known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."================================================== ==========A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly longrollout after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make ahard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you arenot able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at thelights and return to the airport."================================================== ==========There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landingbecause his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." AirTraffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behinda B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,"The dreaded seven-engine approach."================================================== ==========Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around andreturned to the gate After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. Aconcerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was theproblem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a newpilot."================================================== ==========A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard thefollowing: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearancetime?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak inEnglish." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German> airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice fromanother plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost thebloody war."================================================== ==========Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end ofthe runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contactDeparture on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern702?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."================================================== =======One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold shortof the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute littleplane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not aboutto let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out ofDC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts foranother one."================================================== ==========The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as ashort-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parkinglocation, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So itwas with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the followingexchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you notbeen to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and Ididn't land."================================================== ==========While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flightdeparting for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nosewith a United 727.An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you toturn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop rightthere. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cand D, but get it right!"Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shoutinghysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take foreverto sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell youto! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hourand I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and howI tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground controlcommunications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashingof US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate groundcontroller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit outaround Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilotbroke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married toyou once?"

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