Canada is Boring (Satire)

[SpiritFlyer 987]

Canada is boring. We have boring issues. It's true. That is why Americans and Europeans generally ignore us.

 

Whether we should paint our warships light green (a la Air Canada) or grey and or to restore the "Royal" in front of the "Canadian Air Force" and the "Canadian Navy" really light up the talk show telephone lines. We never had a real Watergate type thing before when quotes like, "I am not a crook!" makes up headlines. The political left, middle or right is defined by which of the three sides of the question concerning cutting health care wait periods for elective surgery is the major plank in an election platform, whether by half, a third or only a quarter. That's the exciting part. It gets dull from there.

 

To stay awake past 8:00pm we watch the breathless newscasts of the frantic political hysteria in the Excited States of America to the south. Without such external stimuli we'd fall asleep in self-satisfied complacent boredom. That was up to a few days ago. This past week the Canadian federal government is being rocked with a scandal where people known and respected for decades for their integrity are being compellingly accused of corruption and false expense accounting, and what is even worse, bungling the cover-up.

 

Now it reaches all the way to the Prime Minister's office with the PM's Chief of Staff having to resign for "gifting" a Conservative Senator with over $90,000 to pay back falsely billed expenses, allegedly to preempt the details becoming public. Two other Conservatives have been booted from the party for the same sort of thing, plus a Liberal is on the ropes, fighting for his political life for what looks to be the same. There is fear of much more, and perhaps worse, yet to come.

 

To be fair, awhile back heads rolled when the liberals had grocery bags of cash distributed hither and yon to circumvent political spending limits in Quebec. But even before that, a Conservative Prime Minister accepted a briefcase stuffed with a whooping "$225,000 to $250,000" cash retainer (depending who is telling the story) for services to be rendered after he left office.

 

Oh yes, there was also the time when a Liberal cabinet minister in charge of awarding public contracts was driven out of office for suspicion of being suspicious and hastily appointed as the Ambassador to Denmark to get him out of the country. The conservatives re-coined the old term "There's something rotten in Denmark."

 

Then again there was Kim Campbell, Canada's first female Prime Minister, who gained office when elected as head of the ruling Conservative party, thereby becoming Prime Minister. Confident of her personal popularity after an encouraging poll or two, she called a snap election. Her team made the fundamental mistake of not realizing that Canadians, like our American cousins, are decent people at the ordinary voter level.

 

Party hotshots designed a bitter attack ad against Liberal leader Jean Chrétien, making fun of a facial impediment due to a birth defect, slotting it in an early morning breakfast nationwide newscast. The moment it ran the election was over. It was 30 seconds of self afflicted injury. Most voters were personally ashamed, for they too had thought and joked about the same thing for years. No one likes a bully, let alone acting like one. Urgent apologies and regrets came too late.

 

Watch the clip! It should be analyzed by everyone everywhere studying politics 101)

 

http://www.cbc.ca/archives/categories/politics/prime-ministers/kim-campbell-first-and-foremost/is-this-a-prime-minister.html

 

The people's justice was swift and nearly fatal. On election day Prime Minister Campbell lost not only her own seat, but also another 166 out of the 169 seats won at the previous election. Just two, Quebec's Jean Charest and Elsie Wayne, an elderly lady from New Brunswick beat the odds. Jean became known as Captain Canada and Elsie collected headlines for her caustic, politically incorrect tongue. Together they hit far above their weight.

 

Never fear though! Only a couple of elections later Jean Charest was the Liberal Premier of Quebec (don't ask!), while the Conservatives whittled the federal Liberals down from 211 seats to 37. Things change up here as fast as snow melts in July.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention, that meanwhile, Quebec elected 54 separatists to the federal Parliament of Canada, who became the official opposition, with a political manifesto to break up the country. In a fit of irony, the leader of the separatist party became "Prime Minister in waiting" as the leader of "Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition". All 54 separatists swore that they bore true allegiance to Sa Majesté Elizabeth Deux, par la grâce de Dieu, Reine du Canada to take their seats, and thereby run the country into the ground, perpetuating the tradition that unprincipled politicians will do, swear to, or promise anything, to get elected and take office. Imagine that!

 

In the most recent federal election Quebec once again did the totally unexpected. They kicked out all but 4 of the separatist Parti Quebecois, and elected 59 New Democratic Party MPs (up from 1), giving dozens of idealist university students, as young as 19 years old, their first real job. It was political magic, as leader Jack Layton seemed to take the philosophical high ground displaying prime ministerial like statesmanship. One rural French speaking riding elected a distant city waitress who could not speak French, who never even visited the riding, at least during the campaign. "Jumping Jack Flash" turned them into the official opposition, with 103 seats.

 

Perhaps providentially, this odd collection of inexperienced kids didn't have enough time to degenerate into a scandal riddled, undisciplined, free-for-all implosion before Jack left them to suddenly grow up on their own. What happened next is unparalleled in Canadian history. The public knew Jack had been diagnosed with prostate cancer the year before, but believed his optimistic reports that it was minor, and all but beaten. He looked great, full of energy in keeping with his optimistic and (either endearing or irritating) "Napoleon" complex.

 

He convincingly blamed the use of a cane on tripping off stage and twisting his foot. We believed him, and millions suddenly, to my fear and indignation, believed in him. Some speculated, not without reason, that had there been another week or so in the campaign, he might have made it all the way to 66 Sussex Drive (the official PM residence). Still, things could not have been much more surreal.

 

It is difficult to explain how noble people can be, even the press. The entire country's political press core had not scooped what most of them knew, nor did friend or foe breathe a public word. Others close by may have suspected the worse, but restrained comment and stifled speculation, so there was no "breaking news." When the time was right, the conspiracy of silence was broken all at once.

 

In July, Jack Layton called a national news conference. The election had only been held in May and he was just sworn into office in June. When the cameras started there was silence from the waiting reporters, but when he walked through the door his appearance, a mere shadow of himself, and weak voice shocked them and the nation. We knew. He pretended to be optimistic and that it would be all right, that he had a good fighting chance, and we pretended to believe him. His eyes betrayed the truth, as I suppose did ours:

 

 

I know of at least one life-long conservative activist who had trouble keeping it together right then (me). In August, just a month later, Jack Layton's was the first state funeral Canada ever held for an opposition leader. Prime Minister Harper melted his frozen image as he led the nation in mourning with compassion for the man, and respect for the political movement and legacy he left orphaned.

 

Now, less than two years later, the Liberals, led by the newly crowned son of former Prime Minister Trudeau, is at the top of the polls. Things change faster up here than lakes becoming hockey rinks in December. The once invincible Conservatives, plagued by corruption scandals, who once owned the honesty, integrity and responsible governance brand are smelling like the former ambassador to Denmark. Conservatives are in big trouble, and with cash from the Prime Minister's chief of staff dropped in the middle, the turbulence is rocking the wings off the political right.

 

Last Thursday I could give somewhat of a sigh of relief, that even though we may have shot our self in the head, the rest of the body politic is doing OK, all things considered. After all, if it comes to that, we have an old saying that applies particularly well to our Prime Ministers: "The King is Dead! Long live the King!" In any case, there is always the Queen (applause), or Charles (silence), and perhaps eventually Kate and William (cheers). BTW, am I the only one who has noticed that Americans seem to forget why they revolted whenever they are graciously included with a side trip and photo-ops after the royals visit Canada?

 

Anyway, perhaps we may soon be able to return to being that boring place north of the border, but not yet. Now we have breaking news that there is a certain 6 month old video, that, if it exists, purports to show His Worship Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto smoking crack cocaine with drug dealers from Somalia, who are offering to sell it for a couple hundred thousand dollars.

 

If true, then it will be strike three against Toronto, who have already shamed the entire country for decades with the Toronto Maple Leafs' failure to win back the Stanley Cup, and for being wimps, having once called in the army to dig them out of a snowstorm. Imagine, as if a few feet of snow is anything to whine and snivel about in Canada!

 

And so, perhaps we are not so different after all from our more interesting friends to the south. Maybe Canadians are just waking up with extreme cabin fever after our long winter's hibernation, and delirious with an intoxicating case of spring fever.

 

There you go. Now you know things about Canadian politics you always wanted to know, but were afraid to ask.

 

Kind regards,

[JRMurray 214]

As a fellow Canadian, I found this an enjoyable and accurate read. Well done!

[Captain_Barfbag 31]

I was at a graduation this past weekend in Maine, USA.  One of the speakers said, "You know what a Canadian is, don't you?  It's an unarmed North American with health care."

[BillW 210]

There is a common theme . Corruption in the far north and the near south. See, we're more alike than you once thought.  I sympathize with you. It is very disheartening. At least it is pretty up there. It is very strange that Americans know more about Mexico than Canada.

[FIVE-BY-FIVE 453]

:canada-flag:

[BillW 210]

Canada will be just fine, eh? Couldn't resist it.

[Matthew Kane 1,343]

No mention of Canada's other major contributions to the world....You know, Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Nickleback. People just love that stuff :LMAO:

 

Glad to see that RUSH was finally inducted into the Rocknroll hall of fame.

[gizmosellsbunnys 106]

Who we play hockey tournaments with and have curling competition with not those Texans.  They still sell Twinkies too 

[FIVE-BY-FIVE 453]

Justin Bieber

Bieber for Prime Minister :lol:  :ph34r:

[ZKOKQ 984]

No mention of Canada's other major contributions to the world....You know, Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Nickleback. People just love that stuff :LMAO:

 

Glad to see that RUSH was finally inducted into the Rocknroll hall of fame.

Don't forget Neil Young, Robbie Robertson, Rick Danko, Randy Bachman, Frank Mills.

[Matthew Kane 1,343]

Don't forget Neil Young, Robbie Robertson, Rick Danko, Randy Bachman, Frank Mills.

I would also add Gordon Lightfoot, Stan Rogers, Shania Twain, Anne Murray, Sarah McLachlan, Joni Mitchell, Burton Cummings and Leonard Cohen to that list as well.

[Tom Allensworth 1,532]

Stephen, you are obviously bored. It is time to turn you into an honorary Cajun. Consider it done. Please don't embarrass them. :Praying:

[BillW 210]

I never get tired of hearing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot. Truly a classic. Never was a fan of Neil Young. Lynrd Skynrd said it best.

By the way, you guys left off the Grass Roots. 

[ZKOKQ 984]

Forgot about Gordy Lightfoot. "Sundown is a classic as well.

 

Look what Stephen started

[Tom Allensworth 1,532]

 

 

By the way, you guys left off the Grass Roots.

 

 

Mistake corrected.

Those are Cajun Grass Roots by the way!