Re: ATC jokes to cheer you as you start downloading aga...

[Guest David Taylor]

My son found these 'on a forum'-not sure where but I found them very funny:ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."(short pause)...Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn tothe big W immediately ..."Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.(pause)Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"(pause)Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination StocktonGround: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!".Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, We copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, One o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight."The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.This was the conversation I overheard: (I don't recall call signs any longer)Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."Lufthansa: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"Beautiful English Accent: (before ground could answer) "Because you lost the bloody war!"Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"=============================================="TWA 2341 for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.""Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"==============================================A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."==============================================A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted:"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at thelights and return to the airport."==============================================There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landingbecause his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind aB-52 that had one engine shut down."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked,"The dreaded seven-engine approach."==============================================Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around andreturned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,"What, exactly, was the problem?""The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"explained the flight attendant."It took us a while to find a new pilot."==============================================Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,contact Departure on frequency 124.7.Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."==============================================One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold shortof the active runway while a DC-8 landed.The DC-8 landed, rolled out,turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enoughparts for another one."==============================================:-)

[Guest BrunoF]

:-lol:-lol:-lol:-lol:-lol:-lolBruno Francescoli :-waveStudent Pilot.KOPF PA28-161.

[Guest ba747heavy]

:-lol :-lol

[Guest Ridge_Runner_5]

A couple were repeats, and most were very old, but I absolutely loved that last one!!:-lol :-lol :-lol

[Guest ben_hewitt]

So funny! :-lol

[Cpudan80 0]

Too funny, absolutely love the last oneDan :) :+

[Guest BrunoF]

http://www.aviation-humor.com/:DBruno Francescoli :-waveStudent Pilot.KOPF PA28-161.

[Splash_One 0]

:-lolThough, I think the last one originally had a Shorts 360 in place of the Piper :)