Aircraft Humor

[Guest KORD_WCB]

I though this was funny. I don't know if it has been posted before; if so, sorry.P = The problem logged by the pilot.S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellerslack normal seepage.P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on backorder.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what they're there for!P: IFF inoperative.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windscreen.S: Suspect you're right.P: Number 3 engine missing.S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny.S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Target radar hums.S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed.

[Guest Kd527]

Here are some conversations that airline passengersnormally will never hear. The following are accountsof actual exchanges between airline pilots and controltowers around the world.Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6miles!"Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digitalwatches!"========================================================="TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.""Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can wemake up here?""Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes whenit hits a 727?"==========================================================O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy,your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,Eastbound."United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to saythis... I've got the little Fokker in sight."==========================================================A student became lost during a solo cross-countryflight. While attempting to locate the aircraft onradar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."==========================================================A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had anexceedingly long roll out after touching down.San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard rightturn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If youare not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,make a right at the lights and return to the airport."==========================================================There's a story about the military pilot calling for apriority landing because his single-engine jet fighterwas running "a bit peaked."Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he wasnumber two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shutdown."Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreadedseven-engine approach."==========================================================Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped,turned around and returned to the gate. After anhour-long wait, it finally took off. A concernedpassenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly,was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noisehe heard in the engine," explained the flightattendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."==========================================================A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance inMunich overheard the following:Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our startclearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you mustspeak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying aGerman airplane, in Germany. Why must I speakEnglish?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautifulBritish accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."=========================================================Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contactDeparture on frequency 124.7"Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching toDeparture. By the way, after we lifted off we saw somekind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behindEastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Didyou copy that report from Eastern702?"Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared fortakeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we'vealready notified our caterers."=========================================================One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by thetower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-wittedcomedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane.Did you make it all byyourself?"The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enoughparts for another one."=========================================================The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport arerenowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expectone to know one's gate parking location, but how toget there without any assistance from them. So it waswith some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened tothe following exchange between Frankfurt groundcontrol and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird206.Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear ofactive runway."Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed toa stop.Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you aregoing?"Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up ourgate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but itwas dark, -- and I didn't land."=========================================================While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew ofa US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made awrong turn and come nose to nose with a United 727.An irate female ground controller lashed out at the USAir crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell areyou going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlietaxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.I know it's difficult for you to tell the differencebetween C and D, but get it right!" Continuing herrage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shoutinghysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up!It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay rightthere and don't move till I tell you to! You canexpect progressive taxi instructions in about half anhour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, USAir 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequencyfell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of USi think you guys will enjoy these! some are familiar thoughAir 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irateground controller in her current state of mind.Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick wasdefinitely running high.Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyedhis microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to youonce?"

[Guest jdu]

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull The stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep The pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided With the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' Landing is one after which they can use the plane again.9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle Of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going Hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.13. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.14. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible15. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's Not subject to appeal.16. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.17. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.18. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.19. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to Five minutes earlier.20. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.21. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the Number of take offs you've made.22. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.23. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.24. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round And round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.25. When in doubt, take AMTRAK. They may crash more, but they don't have to fall before they do!and to add on to the first post:P: Banging behind left panel, sounds like little man with hammer.S: Hammer taken from little man.

[Guest glnflwrs]

True story from 1997...Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across. Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.Satisfied that it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating lawn chair. He tied himself in, along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after cutting the anchor line and then come back down a few hours later.Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet. At that height, he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold, and frightened, for more than 14 hours.Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea, with the helicopter in hot pursuit.Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they came near. Finally, the helicopter climbed to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As Larry was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."Let's hear it for Larry Waters! Determined to fly, at all costs!Glenn Flowers

[rickalty 0]

Larry Walter's exploits were in 1982, not 1997. Also, he eventually came back to earth by shooting ballons (descending into power lines - blacking out much of Long Beach) not by the helicopter tow :-)Sadly, after his 15 minutes of fame, Larry committed suicide in 1988.His house in San Pedro is close to my LA Harbor office, and there's a plaque to him there.Richard

[akherkeng 0]

Here's a good story. There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2003, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs)thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can't polish a xxxxx? At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat's ####. But I've digressed. The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn't bet my pink #### on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that's the real reason we fly it. We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts. It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the " Ninety/ Two-Seventy." Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing. "Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the NVGs, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am. "Where do we find such fine young men?" "Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat. Now it's all aimpoint and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there's no lights, I'm on NVGs, it's Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyear's on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound, lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let's see a Viper do that! We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts. It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam's home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then I thank God I'm not in the Army. Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ####. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this ####-hole. "Hey copilot clean yourself up! And how's 'bout the 'Before Starting Engines Checklist." God, I love this job! Anon

[Guest xtremdav45]

My history teacher told me about that story two years ago, and it cracked me up.Good to hear it again!

[Guest glnflwrs]

Richard, I don't doubt you at all regarding the true story of Larry Waters. After reading your response to my post I revisited the source site, http://dimestore.esmartweb.com/text/a063.htmland realized that even they did not specifically state the events ocurred in 92, but that Mr. Waters was awarded the "Darwin Prize" that year. My mistake there, but the rest of the story is exactly as presented on their site. You might wish to enlighten them as to the real facts. Or not. Thanks for the info.BTW, I live in Hesperia near Victorville, but grew up in the South Bay area. Ports o' Call was a favorite school ditching destination.Glenn Flowers

[Guest glnflwrs]

Why an Airplane is Better Than a Woman1. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.15. It's OK to use tie-downs on your airplane.Glenn Flowers

[rickalty 0]

I see that site also includes the "towed in by a helicopter" bit. That, while fun to picture, is unfortunately a much later addition. If you have a look around you'll see the original LA Times story dotted around the net, which included a picture of Larry's craft hanging from the power cables he finally drifted into when the evening breezes pushed him back over land and he started popping balloons.(Oh, and the "JATO on a car" story that that site mentions never happened either)Richard

[Guest jetstar230]

Had to send this on....I had a good chuckle & thought you would appriciate a good laugh too. Have a great day. Phi xxx > >After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, > >which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics > >correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots > >review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Some actual maintenance > >complaints submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by > >maintenance engineers. > > > >(P= Problem logged by the pilot. E= Action logged by the engineer.) > > > >P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. > >E: Almost replaced left inside main tire. > > > >P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. > >E: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. > > > >P: Something loose in cockpit. > >E: Something tightened in cockpit. > > > >P: Dead bugs on windshield. > >E: Live bugs on back-order. > > > >P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. > >E: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. > > > >P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. > >E: Evidence removed. > > > >P: DME volume unbelievably loud. > >E: DME volume set to more believable level. > > > >P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. > >E: That's what they're for. > > > >P: IFF inoperative. > >E: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. > > > >P: Suspected crack in windshield. > >E: Suspect you're right. > > > >P: Number 3 engine missing. > >E: Engine found on right wing after brief search. > > > >P: Aircraft handles funny. > >E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. > > > >P: Target radar hums. > >E: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. > > > >P: Mouse in cockpit. > >E: Cat installed. > > > >P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding > >on something with a hammer. > >E: Took hammer away from midget.

[Guest jetstar230]

here is another oneDuring my first night flight, I asked my instructor what to do if the engine failed. "Get the plane gliding in a controlled descent,attempt to restart the engine and make a Mayday call" he explained. "The differance between day and night flying is that the terrain below will not be clearly visible, so turn on the landing light when you get close to the ground and if you like what you see, land" "All right, but what if i dont like what i see? I asked. "Turn off the landing light" he said.

[Guest glnflwrs]

AVIATION TRUISMS-A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A "great" landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.-A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.-Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.-An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.-Learn from the mistakes of others...you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"-Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.-Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business is in the wrong business.-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.-A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.-Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.-The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.-It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.-If God would have meant for man to fly He would have given him more money.-Maintain thy airspeed lest the ground rise up and smite thee.Glenn Flowers

[Guest glnflwrs]

The Pilot's Prayer Oh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector.Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us our TCA incursions As we forgive those who cut us off on final. And lead us not into adverse weather, But deliver us our clearances. RogerGlenn Flowers