Flight Commentary

[dfish 1]

>Flight Commentary >West Jet airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety >lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real >examples that have been heard or reported: >On a West Jet flight (There is no assigned seating, you just sit where you >want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight >attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, >find a seat and get in it!" > > ----------------------- > > > >On anotherWest Jet Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the >pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will Dave Fisher>be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance >the appearance of your flight attendants." > > ------------------------ > > > >On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your >belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's >something we'd like to have." > > ------------------------ > > > >"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of >this airplane." > > ----------------------- > > > >"Thank you for flying West Jet Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the >business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." > > --------------------------- > > > > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Vancover Airport, a >lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. W HOA!" > > ------------------------- > > > > After a particularly rough landing during! thunderstorms in Ontario, a >flight attendant on a West Jet flight announced, "Please take care when >opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure >as #### everything has shifted." > > ------------------------- > > > >From a West Jet Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard West Jet Flight 245 to >Calgary. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, >and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't >know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public >unsupervised." > > ----------------------- > > > >"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from >the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If >you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting >with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your >favorite." > > -------------------------- > > > >Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll >try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody >loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines." > > ------------------------ > > > >"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an >emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our >compliments." > > -------------------------- > > > >"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything >left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.. Please >do not leave children or spouses." > > ---------------------------- > > > >And from the pilot during his welcome message: "West Jet Airlines is pleased >to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the > >industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" > > ----------------------------- > > > >Heard on West Jet Airlines just after a very hard landing in Edmonton : The >flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and >I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's >fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn 't the flight attendant's fault, >it was the asphalt." > > ------------------------------ > > > >Overheard on an West Jet Airlines flight into Regina, on a particularly >windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really >having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant >said, "Ladies and G entlemen, welcome to Regina. Please remain in your seats >with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our >airplane to the gate!" > > > >Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask >you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." > > > ------------------------------ > > > >An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his >ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required >the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, >and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of >his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, >thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had >gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a c ane. > >She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" > >"Why, no,! Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" > >The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" > > ---------------------------- > > > >After a real crusher of a landing in Halifax, the attendant came on with, >"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the >Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, >once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we 'll >open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the >terminal." > > ------------------ > > > >Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you >folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge >to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll >think of West Jet Airways." > > --------------- > > > >Heard on a West Jet Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to >smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light >'em, you can smoke 'em." > > ---------------- > > > >A plane was taking off from the Winnipeg Airport. After it reached a >comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the >intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to >Flight Number 293, nonstop from Winnipeg to Montreal, The weather ahead is >good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. > >Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" > >Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the >intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you >earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally >spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my >pants!" > >A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of >mine

[Guest]

Has anyone EVER heard something like this for real?This (and similar lists) have been circulating on the net for years but I've never heard anything remotely like such statements from airliner crew.I've once or twice heard small jokes from train conductors, but only on very late night trains going back to the barn which were all but empty (and then nothing as black as most of these).They're funny though, but getting a bit repetitive.

[John_Cillis 2,406]

I've never heard FA's crack jokes on European airlines, Asian airlines or Latin American airlines. Same holds true for about 90 pct. of U.S. airlines. But SWA and Frontier both are famous for "spicing up" the FA announcements as well as many of the commuter airlines. I flew SWA a month ago, and these are among the jokes I've heard cracked by the FA's on that flight and other flights I've taken with them, as well as one non SWA flight. While I can't recall the exact words, they go roughly like this:~On my flight last month:"In case of loss of cabin pressure, if you are seated next to a child or someone acting like a child, place the mask over your nose and mouth first""I know you find the safety card boring, but at least pretend you're reading so we don't feel bad""Turn off electronic devices and stow them for takeoff, as they may interfere with radio and navigation equipment. If you leave them on, we won't take responsibility for where this flight will land.~On a SWA flight between Ontario and Phoenix:"In case of a water landing, please use the bottom of your seat cushion as a flotation device. Exit the aircraft, and dive screaming into the desert and await rescue (The largest body of water on that route is the 100 yard width of the Colorado river)."~On a SWA flight to BWI a few years back..."Our flight to Honolulu will be approx six hours...."~On the return flight"Our flight is full. If you think you won't have someone sit next to you by avoiding eye contact, you're wrong." ~On an American Eagle ATR flight in '94, operated by Simmons airlines:"FA: Your pilots are tweedle dum and tweedle dee."FA entered the restroom shortly after that"Pilots: While Sherry is in the restroom, we want take a moment to tell you it is her birthday. Please applaud loudly and offer congrats when she exits the restroom."Sherry was about as red as I've ever seen someone, including my sunburn last year in Florida.Having logged about 100K miles a year until my daughter was born over a twelve year stretch, I heard just about all. But it was some ground humor in Mexico that changed my life forever. I had to visit Mexicana's ticket office to book a complicated routing through Mexico and back to the States on a two month stint there installing some Novell LAN's. My partner on the trip was hassling the Mexicana agent asking to be booked on first class. The pretty agent fluttered her eyes, and silenced my partner with "On Mexicana, EVERY seat is first class". We've been married ten years. My wife often asks me what it was that first caught my eye, and I said it was the way she delivered that line. She said it was the standard line given all passengers who pull the "I want first class" routine.Anyway, it's a long post I made Jeroen, but I've heard these jokes in the air and on the ground, as I suspect many here have. You just have to be in the right place at the right time :)-John

[Guest panda234]

I've flown Westjst a lot and I've heard a lot of these. They try for the "down home folksy" attitude. Frankly, it gets kind of old, especially coming from a teenaged flight attendant that you wouldn't trust to take you across a crosswalk let alone lead you out of a burning aircraft...billg

[Guest Rockcliffe]

I heard this from a Westjet FA:"Ladies and gentleman, my name is xxx and I have the pleasure today of flying with my husband, Capt. xxx. Unfortunately, I also have the misfortune of flying today with my ex-husband, First Officer xxxxx..."It drew a laugh.BlairCYOW

[flyerboy 114]

Heard this yesterday just after TODLadies, gentlemen, boys and girls we are about to commence our.......(hesitant for about 2-3 seconds) final rubbish clean, but before we do that, could everyone please put their hands in the air for some aerobics....come on, i know you all want to.."Then when we arrived at the airport"Welcome to..., Before you leave the a/c please remember to take all personal belongings including your husbands..."

[StoneC0ld 5]

Courtesy of Southwest Airlines on the A&E show Airline:"There is no smoking in the main passenger cabin; however, the smoking section is outside on our wings, where the in-flight movies are 'Gone With the Wind,' and 'Blown Away'."

[Sonar5 3]

Yes, I have.3 or 4 different occasions.Twice on Southwest airlines. (mild though)Once on Midway Airlines, back in the day... ;-)And once the whole flight on a charter called Laker Air from O'hare to Grand Bahamas Island, complete with toilet paper roll races, wisecracks, and thorough abuse of all the passengers including something along the lines of, if we go down in the water, screw this announcement cause we're all gonna die anyway. :-)And flight attendants insisting we needed to drink more cause the pilot keeps asking for leftovers. ;-)We were roiling the whole flight, drinks were flowing, and it was the most fun flight I've ever had. Period.Not sure if laker Air is around anymore. This was back in 92 or 93.Regards,JoePS- Follow-up. Resort has been closed since Hurricane Francis, and Airline has ceased operations for now. Same 727's though. :-)Website is here:http://www.lakerbahamas.com/Grab My FREEWARE Voice recognition Profiles here:[a href=http://library.avsim.net/esearch.php?CatID=fs2004misc&DLID=58334]Cessna 172 Voice Profile[/a][a href=http://library.avsim.net/esearch.php?CatID=fs2004misc&DLID=60740]FSD Avanti Voice Profile[/a].You will need the main FREEWARE Flight Assistant program to use it, get it here:[a href=http://library.avsim.net/esearch.php?CatID=genutils&DLID=39661]Flight Assistant 2.2[/a]

[Trans_27 Pilot Chase 59]

lmao.. gotta love flights like this.. I prefer them.. Its alot of fun to get on a plane and the F/A's crack jokes like that. Makes you feel at home.. You sit back, and listen and laugh. Laughing is good for every one isnt it? lol :-lol this is another great thread