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Doc Bryant

Short Final for 10 December 2006

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From those wonderful folks at Avweb.comWe were in our Seneca performing the pre-takeoff run-up at Orlando Executive Airport when we heard this exchange on ground control frequency:Cessna: Orlando ground, Cessna Two Three Four, clear of the active.Ground: Cessna Two Three Four, taxi to the ramp.Cessna (still on ground frequency but thinking he'd switched to unicom 122.95): Executive Air...ah, this is Cessna Two Three Four...we're going to need some gas.Ground: I've got plenty of gas, but I don't think it'll work very well in your airplane. Try Executive Air on 122.95.Brother Luis, the controller seems to think like us!Doc Bryant

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I have heard of some wild schemes to somehow capture cow "gas" and use it for power turbines or heating plants. It would be lots of fun to imagine exactly what kind of apparatus would be used for this purpose!Or maybe, since Jerry pointed out that airliners collect this through inlets below the seats, they could use that gas to power the turbines.Something to think about.Best regards.Luis

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Luis,What I said was they collect it below the seats. Then they blow it out the aft end of the aircraft. The cows already do that.Jerry K. ThorneEast Ridge, TN

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The cows blow it out the aft end of the aircraft too? That makes sense. I have seen a few real cows on aircraft. Or did Boeing, Micky D and Airbus learn something from the cows?This could turn into a real "who's on first" sort of thread.Take it away Luis!Doc Bryant

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No, no, Doc, Jerry said that the airliners blow it out the aft end, just like the cows. http://forums.avsim.net/user_files/162944.gifBecause, of course, if they blew it out the front end, it would not be "passing gas". And anyway, the opposite thrust would slow down the airplane.http://forums.avsim.net/user_files/162945.gifBest regards.Luis

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Well of course they blow it out the back end. If you blew it out the front, you'd have to travel through it a second time!Second Hand Gas? Don't we have laws against that?Doc Bryant

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Now you have brought up a difficult and thorny topic, Doc. Will medical researchers proceed to test the validity of your assumption concerning the toxic effects of second-hand gas? Will poor innocent lab animals be continuously subjected to repeated and increasing doses of this poison in order to detect its deleterious results on their organisms?How long will this go on until trial lawyers bring suit on behalf of sufferers of second-hand gas? And when will government finally act to protect us, the blameless public, from the hazards of this heretofore-ignored danger?Best regards.Luis

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Brother Luis:I will know that this hazard has become a cause celeb when I see the Southwest Research Institute in San Antonio, TX lap up a whacking great big grant from the National Institute of Health and the American Trial Lawyers Association. SRI has long been known as the go to place for really serious research. And what better a local than San Antonio? Home of good Mexican food. And bad Mexican food too. And a willing pool of testers/victims from the US Air Force Bases in the region.Secondly, who says animals will be subjected to poisonings like this? My dog, the Now Elderly Brother Maynard has on countless occasions "gifted" me with incredibly noxious clouds. Nothing like the wonderful aroma of a Hoyo De Monterrey Cubano that I sometimes allow to grace his presence. No, on this point you have made, I can not turn the other cheek. Some of his outbursts I can not counter with the hardboiled egg and beer weapon. Sauerkraut and sausage does not approach what he can do with a meal of turkey or pork leftovers.We also should consider the audible dangers too. People have been known to flee the table when I favor them with a basso profundo blat. I once cleared out a post funeral reception with the most wonderous of rattlers. It was a truly sad thing that the olfactory component was missing the strength of the audible! So then could not people be injured in the exit rush panic following a super shot?I await your response!Doc Bryant

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Doc,After that eloquent discertation, what can I say?Can you imagine what would have happened if that lady on the airplane had lit the gas emissions coming from her airline seat in flight? The headline would probably have read "TERRORIST EXPLOSION DOWNS AIRLINER" instead of "Flatulence Rules."Jerry K. ThorneEast Ridge, TN

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Jerry,Show me a lady who can use flatulatus eliminatus to bust up a Boeing or addle an Airbus and I will show you no lady, but perhaps at least a Holstein.From what I have learned (from movies mind you, not actual first hand experience) the most likely result of flatulence and matches is a pair of burned seats. I am sure you can figure that out. I recall aircraft interiors, especially the seat materials are now "fireblocked" for our safety. I am sure that also means they are "fartblocked" as well.If not then the headline in "Variety" will surely read "Kielbassa Chaos Cripples Commercial Craft." Or "Beans Blast Boeing" if it's a short article. Not punchy enough? Perhaps "Cheese Cutting Customer Cripples Clipper.""She lit where she sit, and the aircraft did split?"All this could be prevented with the installation of blow out panels like those that grace the outside walls of chemical plants. Small ones for your average airline, and larger ones for the outfits that fly to Milwaukee...Doc Bryant

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What can I say? You seem to have wrapped this one up neatly. Now, what else is in the news? Luis? Do you have anything to add?Jerry K. ThorneEast Ridge, TN

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I must differ with you, Jerry. The subject is far from being exhausted.For example,Visit Mr Methane. The world's only performing flatulist. Hear him perform from his rear end, England's answer to Le Petomane.http://www.mrmethane.com/And if you don't know the P

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Luis:Having been the butt of many jokes on this subject, I was of the opinion that I was the living end so to speak. But Mr. Methane is a new one for me.Doc Bryant

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