ATC Humor

[Guest esell]

:-hahA/C: "Radar, we're a flight of two A10s, currently overhead and, er, we've forgotten our callsign"RAD: "No problem, we'll allocate temporary ones: adopt callsign Stupid One and Stupid Two"-------------------------A student ATCer was confused about what to do regarding 2 aircraft that were vectored on parallel (in normal english that means they are flying at the same flight level both on the same headings with a bunch of nautical miles between them). The aircraft were on the wrong side (i.e the one on the left had to go right and the one on the right had to go to the left and were not supposed to climb or descend).Coach: So, how will you solve this situation?Student: *raises finger* I'll show you how, gimme a momentCoach: OKStudent: Speedbird456, traffic 3 o'clock, 6 miles, type A332, FL340Speedbird456: Maastricht Radar, traffic in sightStudent: Lufthansa332, traffic 9 o'clock, 6 miles, type B777, FL340Lufthansa: Maastricht Radar, have the traffic in sightStudent: Allright... SWITCH!!!Coach: *Starts strangling student*-------------------------ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."N123YZ (Pause) "..........Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."-------------------------British Airways flight asks for push back clearance from terminal.Control Tower replies: "And where is the world's most experienced airline going today without filing a flight plan?"-------------------------ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for workers along taxiwayAZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working-------------------------ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."-------------------------Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.Controller: oh oh! You have traffic!-------------------------Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"Pilot: "A340 of course!"Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"-------------------------Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"Tower: "Affirmative."Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!-------------------------Controller to F-117 stealth fighter: "Traffic is an F-16, two o'clock, 13 miles, southbound, climbing thru 6,000."F-117 pilot: "Acquired and tracking..."Controller to F-16: "Traffic is an F-117, two o'oclock, 12 miles, opposite direction, level 5."F-16 pilot: "Roger, tracking..."F-117 pilot (without missing a beat and in a monotone): "Bull****"-------------------------Coming into Pearson on a very bad weather day:YYZ Approach: All aircraft inbound to Pearson expect arrival delays due to weather.Random a/c: Aww, this is bull****YYZ Approach: Alright, who was that last call?Other a/c: Approach, negative on the bull****.Another: Roger, negative on the bull****.YYZ Approach: Knock it off, guys.:-hah :-hah :-hah :-hah