Things you need to know about flying

[Guest]

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe. Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots: Flaring is like squatting to pee. When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash. Without ammunition ... the USAF would be just another expensive flying club. What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies. [unable to display image] Never trade luck for skill. The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and ... "Oh #####!" Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers. Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant. Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight. A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication. I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous. Mankind has a perfect record in aviation ... we never left one up there! Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries. Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it. When a flight is proceeding incredibly well ... something was forgotten. Just remember ... if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day. Advice given to RAF pilots during W. W. II When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity ... as slowly and gently as possible. The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot) A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut) If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot) If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the ##### down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator) Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No Evil For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing (Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena, Japan) You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot) Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you. There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime. (Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970) The three best things in life are: a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there) "Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320) If something hasn't broken on your helicopter ... it's about to. Basic Flying Rules 1. Try to stay in the middle of the air. 2. Do not go near the edges of it. 3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there. 4. You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal Al Wheeler :-rotor

[Guest]

I'm prining this one out!Thanks.Cheers,Marc

[Guest]

Awesome stuff, thank you for posting. I do however think the Chairforce should be the ones squatting.Paul MeyerMorris C09

[Guest glnflwrs]

Al, A couple more observations...Takeoffs are optional, landings are mandatory.If God would have wanted man to fly,He would have given him more money.Maintain thy airspeed lest the ground riseup and smite thee.What is the difference between God and pilots?God doesn't think He's a pilot. I literally have over fifty pages of aviation humor collected overa thirty year period. They're yours for the asking. :>)Glenn Flowers

[Guest glnflwrs]

AVIATION TRUISMS-A "good" landing is one which you can walk away from. A "great" landing is one which lets you use the airplane another time.-A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.-Good judgment comes from experience. Good experience comes from someone else's bad judgment.-An airplane may disappoint a good pilot, but it won't surprise him.-Learn from the mistakes of others...you won't live long enough to make them all yourself.-Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.-A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying "Up yours!"-Keep looking around, there's always something you missed.-Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.-Any pilot who does not at least privately consider himself the best in the business is in the wrong business.-It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.-Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.-The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.-The only thing worse than a captain who never flew copilot is a copilot who was once a captain.-A terminal forecast is a horoscope with numbers.-Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.-The first thing every pilot does after making a gear up landing is to put the gear handle DOWN.-It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.-If God would have meant for man to fly He would have given him more money.-Maintain thy airspeed lest the ground rise up and smite thee.USELESS THINGS IN AVIATION:- Altitude above you.- Runway behind you.- Fuel in the truck.- Half a second in history.- Approach plates in the car.- The airspeed you don't have.GLOSSARY OF AVIATION TERMS:Emergency generator - device which generates emergencies, also known as a simulator.Landing light - preferable to landing heavy.Bank - owners of mortgage on aircraft. Walkaround - procedure when waiting for better weather. Briefing - spending a long time saying nothing. De-briefing - spending a long time saying nothing after you have done it. " THE PILOT'S PRAYER Oh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector. Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us our TCA incursions As we forgive those who cut us off on final. And lead us not into adverse weather, But deliver us our clearances. Roger.MAINTENENCE WRITE-UPSProblem: Target Radar humsSolution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyricsProblem: Something loose in cockpit.Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.Problem: Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear. Solution: Evidence removed.Problem: Number three engine missing.Solution: Number three engine found on right wing after brief search.Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.Solution: Volume set to more believable level.Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.Solution: Live bugs on order.Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.Problem: IFF inoperative.Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. Solution: That's what they're there for.Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.Problem: Number two propeller seeping prop fluid.Solution: Number two propeller seepage normal, numbers one, three, and four propellers lack normal seepage.Problem: The autopilot doesn't.Solution: IT DOES NOW. Problem: Aircraft handles funnySolution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. *A Flight Instructor and his student were holding on the runway for departing traffic when a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them. TOWER: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off. STUDENT: "What should I do? What should I do?" INSTRUCTOR: "What do you think you should do?" STUDENT: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away." INSTRUCTOR: "That's a good idea." (Taxis toward deer, but deer holds position.) TOWER: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN. STUDENT: "What should I do? What should I do?" INSTRUCTOR: "What do you think you should do?" STUDENT: "Maybe I should tell the tower." INSTRUCTOR: "That's a good idea." STUDENT: "Tower, Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway." TOWER: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure. (The deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.) TOWER: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer. You are probably a "Redneck Pilot" if ...You think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points. You use a Purina feed bag for a windsock. You think GPS stands for going perfectly straight. You refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!" There is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service. Your toothpick keeps poking your mikeYour dog rides with his head out the window.