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Guest ba747heavy

Flight Attendant Funnies

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Some have been floating around a while, but this is a great collection of them. Figured I'd post em here for ya'll to read and think about next time ya have a less-than-perfect landing.________________________The in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements aregetting a bit more >entertaining these days. Here are some real examplesthat have been heard or >reported: > > *****************************> >On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" FlightAttendant crew, the >Pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reachedcruising altitude and will >be turning down the cabin lights. This is for yourcomfort and to enhance >the appearance of your Flight Attendants." > >*****************************> >On landing, the Stewardess said, "Please be sure totake all of your >belongings. If you're going to leave anything, pleasemake sure it's >something we'd like to have." > >*******************************> >There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but thereare only 4 ways out of >this airplane" > >****************************> >"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hopeyou enjoyed giving us >the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for aride." > >*******************************> >After a particularly rough landing duringthunderstorms in Memphis, a Flight >Attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Pleasetake care when opening >the overhead compartments because, after a landinglike that, sure as hell >everything has shifted." > > > >**********************************> >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboardSouthwest Flight > >245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert themetal tab into the >buckle, and pull tight. It works just like everyother seat belt; and, if >you don't know how to operate one, you probablyshouldn't be out in public >unsupervised." > > > >***************************> >"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,masks will descend from >the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pullit over your face. If >you have a small child traveling with you, secureyour mask before assisting >with theirs. If you are traveling with more than onesmall child, pick your >favorite." > >*****************************> >Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with somebroken clouds, but we'll >try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you,and remember, nobody >loves you, or your money, more than SouthwestAirlines." > >*********************************> >"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,in the event of an >emergency water landing, please paddle to shore andtake them with our >compliments." > >***********************> >"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all ofyour belongings. Anything >left behind will be distributed evenly among theflight attendants. Please >do not leave children or spouses." > >****************************************> >And from the Pilot during his welcome message: "DeltaAirlines is pleased to >have some of the best Flight Attendants in theindustry. Unfortunately, none >of them are on this flight!" > >********************************************> >Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hardlanding in Salt Lake City >: The Flight Attendant came on the intercom and said,"That was quite a >bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here totell you it wasn't the >Airline's fault, it wasn't the Pilot's fault, itwasn't the Flight >Attendant's fault. It was the asphalt." > >*********************************************> >Overheard on an American Airlines flight intoAmarillo, Texas, on a >particularly windy and bumpy day: During the finalapproach, the Captain was >really having to fight it. After an extremely hardlanding, the Flight >Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome toAmarillo. Please remain in >your seats with your seat belts fastened while theCaptain taxis what's left >of our airplane to the gate!" > >**************************************************> >Another Flight Attendant's comment on a less thanperfect > >landing. "We ask you to please remain seated asCaptain Kangaroo bounces us >to the terminal." > >***************************************************> >An Airline Pilot wrote that on this particular flighthe had hammered his >ship into the runway really hard. The Airline had apolicy which required >the First Officer to stand at the door while thePassengers exited, smile, >and give them a "Thanks for flying our Airline." Hesaid that, in light of >his bad landing, he had a hard time looking thepassengers in the eye, >thinking that someone would have a smart comment.Finally everyone had >gotten off except for a little old lady walking witha cane. She said, "Sir, >do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the Pilot. >"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land,or were we shot down?" > >*******************************************************> >After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, theAttendant came on with, >"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seatsuntil Capt. Crash and the >Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching haltagainst the gate. And, >once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bellsare silenced, we'll >open the door and you can pick your way through thewreckage to the >terminal." > >************************************************************> >Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement:"We'd like to thank you >folks for flying with us today. And, the next timeyou get the insane urge >to go blasting through the skies in a pressurizedmetal tube, we hope you'll >think of US Airways." > >***********************************************************> >A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . Afterit reached a comfortable >cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcementover the intercom, >"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight >Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles .The weather ahead is good >and, therefore, we should have a smooth anduneventful flight. Now sit back >and relax... OH, MY GOD!" - Silence followed, andafter a few minutes, the >Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladiesand Gentlemen, I am so >sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking toyou, the Flight >Attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee inmy lap. You should see >the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled,"That's nothing. You >should see the back of mine!" > >******************************************************> >Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies andgentlemen, if you wish to >smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on thewing and if you can >light 'em, you can smoke 'em." > > ___JoshHappy Friday!!!!!!

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Don't know how many of these are truly genuine, but thanks for posting anyway..a terrific laugh :)

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Funniest thing I've read all week! That was great. :-) Thanks for posting it!Regards,WayneMetro 7 / NMH07www.metrohelo.org

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