Some funnies 4 u

[Guest glidernut]

> Subject: Disorder in the Court> >Old ones I know but still made me smile---- ok easily done!!> >> >> >These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people> >actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by> >court> >reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were> >actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last> >one - classic!!> >> >> >Q: What is your date of birth?> >A: July fifteenth.> >Q: What year?> >A: Every year.> >> >> >Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?> >A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.> >> >> >Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?> >A: Yes.> >Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?> >A: I forget.> >Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of somethingthat you've> >forgotten?> >> >> >Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?> >A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.> >Q: How long has he lived with you?> >A: Forty-five years.> >> >> >Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that> >morning?> >A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"> >Q: And why did that upset you?> >A: My name is Susan.> >> >> >Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the> >occult?> >A: We both do.> >Q: Voodoo?> >A: We do.> >Q: You do?> >A: Yes, voodoo.> >> >> >Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he> >doesn't know about it until the next morning?> >> >> >Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?> >> >> >Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?> >> >> >Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?> >A: Yes.> >Q: And what were you doing at that time?> >> >> >Q: She had three children, right?> >A: Yes.> >Q: How many were boys?> >A: None.> >Q: Were there any girls?> >> >> >Q: How was your first marriage terminated?> >A: By death.> >Q: And by whose death was it terminated?> >> >> >Q: Can you describe the individual?> >A: He was about medium height and had a beard.> >Q: Was this a male, or a female?> >> >> >Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice> >which I sent to your attorney?> >A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.> >> >> >Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?> >A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.> >> >> >Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?> >A: Oral.> >> >> >Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?> >A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.> >Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?> >A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.> >> >> >Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?> >> >> >Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?> >A: No.> >Q: Did you check for blood pressure?> >A: No.> >Q: Did you check for breathing?> >A: No.> >Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the> >autopsy?> >A: No.> >Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?> >A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.> >Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?> >A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law> >somewhere............................................................................Subject: Viagra names> > In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is> acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin,> Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.> > The US Food and Drug Administration has been looking for a> generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on> Mycoxafailin.> Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin,> Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit. And of course,> Ibepokin............................................................................Subject: Fwd: Fw: Little old lady>> Subject: FW: Little old lady> >> > > A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this> problem> > > with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never> smell> > > and> > > are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times> > > since> > > I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was #### because> they> > > don't smell and are silent."> > > The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next> > > week."> > > The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know> what> > > the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent...> stink> > > terribly."> > > The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,let's>> > > work on your hearing."...........................................................................> >The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a> >surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was> >to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should> >be here soon".> >> >Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer> >rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.> >> >"Good morning madam. I've come to......"> >> >"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.> >> >"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of> >babies."> >> >"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a> >seat."> >> >After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"> >> >"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the> >couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor> >is fun too....you can really spread out!"> >> >"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."> >> >"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we> >try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,> >I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."> >> >"My, my, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.> >> >"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in> >and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."> >> >"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his> >briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was> >done on the top of a bus."> >> >"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.> >> >"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their> >mother was so difficult to work with."> >> >"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.> >> >"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the> >job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing> >to get a good look."> >> >"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.> >> >"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The> >mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly> >concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.> >Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just> >packed it all in."> >> >Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your> >um...equipment?"> >> >"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so> >that we can get to work."> >> >"Tripod??> >> >"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big> >for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted!!".................................................................glidernut.:-wave