I hand fly all my departures and approaches unless I fly on vatsim. Last night was a real challenge because I actually had to do a visual app on vatsim because atc changed at the last minute from ils to visual on a different rnwy

C'mon a visual approach is basic airmanship lol

C'mon a visual approach is basic airmanship lol

The visual app wasnt the problem, that was easy, it was the atc changing at the last minute when I was set for ils on one runway then changing to another plus reading back and disconnecting ap lol

I hand fly the departure until it gets boring, then engage the AP. I disconnect the AP for the turn to final or localizer capture. I often disconnect the autothrottle for final. The only time I do autoland is for CAT III

15 miles out: Nosedive from cruise to where I vaguely think the airport is (don't tell me, FSX ATC said it's at my 12 o'clock!), speed brakes on max, no flaps and no gear (because I'm a badass and don't need them), until I'm about 500ft off the ground pushing 300 knots.

 

10 miles out: I'm now pushing 300 knots at 500ft, so in the interest of passenger comfort I usually turn off the engines, they make too much noise anyway. Speed brakes at max, call for flaps to be added by my imbecile FO who, for some reason keeps screaming in terror. He's an idiot, this one. Doesn't see a true aviator if it smacked him in the face, which I did (multiple times). It's part of my personal SOP to have a glove (or fish) on my person at all times, so that my delicate aviators hands don't suffer trauma from handing out multiple slaps.

 

5 miles out: I now see the airport, and am trying to figure out the difference between the runway and the taxiways (sometimes I forget my glasses, LOL), my FO has passed out (told you he was an imbecile), I am in complete control of the airplane, now doing around 200 knots, call for gear down to facilitate excess drag (I know my physics, sir!), and contact ATC to ask them why there are so many emergency vehicles rushing around the airport. Forget there's no one to call too, smack my unconscious FO for being unconscious, and put the gear down myself.

 

1 mile out: Doing about 170 knots, I sit back and spend a minute contemplating the fabulousness of my energy management skills, I wonder why the cabin isn't secure so I call in on the PA. Hear a lot of screaming from the FAs about death and destruction, worried their shrill screams would affect my excellent aviator's judgement I decide to hang up by saying: "See you guys up there in a bit". (I later found out the FAs thought I wasn't in control of the aircraft (blasphemy) and thought 'up there' was referring to heaven. I was talking about the Starbucks in the terminal, but same thing amirite!?)

 

500ft: I am now established on the PAPI, all reds is always a good sign if you want to rustle some airplane spotter jimmies! I do it for the enthusiasts, I am a true aviator in the finest sense. I wiggle my wings (repeated left-right rolls) to tell the emergency crews that I'm all good, for some reason this is not taken well by them.

 

200ft: I am now in a very crucial phase of my landing procedure, I raise my speed brakes now, so as to dump lift (I'm good like that), we won't be needing it anymore, and no one is worried about a go around, I'm just that good. The aircraft drops down to about 50ft, doing about 150 knots now, optimal landing values (calculated by the best EFB in the world, my aviators brain!) are about 130 knots, so I must make a slight adjustment.

 

50ft: I begin making the slight adjustment, nose up about 15 degrees, nothing too insane, we don't want to scare anyone here. This now brings my speed down to about 130, my excellent piloting skills now dip the nose back down again, we appear to be losing speed very rapidly, by the time it's nose level, we're at 100 knots and I realise we have entered a stall (which is exactly what I wanted, a stall at 50ft is what we line pilots call a VTOL style landing, great for the brake pads!)

 

Touchdown: The airplane settles gently on the mains and nose gear at the same time (again, a testament to my incredible skill) at about -1650 fpm, not too shabby. I didn't set autobrakes or anything, no braking action is required here, the aircraft has come down VTOL style, straight down thanks to the stall (a controlled stall).

 

Anyway, here at my airline we like to give our passengers VVIP service, so they are allowed to disembark from the aircraft on the runway itself (what other airline, honestly?!) on little yellow slides. I think the slides are a silly option, it's a slightly undignified way of getting off the aircraft, but oh well, I'll never understand the corporate bigwigs. I mean, stairs work just as well and can be reused. They can also float, if made out of wood, like I proposed. Alas, I guess the just WANT to spend money so they don't have to pay my salary of 2 goats and a bag of first class peanuts. Whatever. Anyway, the passengers get to disembark and all get into their own private ambulances! Straight off the tarmac, that's golden customer service if you ask me. They also get a complimentary stay at a 5* resort with electric beds that can move up and down and it's SO posh they don't even have to get up to pee! They just.. Go... It's collected in a bag thing-a-ma-bob. They also have 24 hour service at the push of a button! This resort can apparently magically heal you of your ailments too! Pity it's so darned expensive though. Good of the airline to comp it for them. Anyway, that's just how we do things at my airline, now it's back to being a magnificent lowly line pilot for me! Ta!

This sir made me laugh out loud!