Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action or Solution taken by the mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit.S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield.S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud.S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.S: That's what they're there for! P: IFF inoperative.S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windscreen.S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny.S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Radar hums.S: Reprogrammed radar with words. P: Mouse in cockpit.S: Cat installed Cheers,Gosta.

Contrary to the rumo(u)r that this was a Qantas log, Gosta.... It was originally claimed to be from military/air force logbooks (which may explain the use of terminology such as "IFF" (Interrogator, Friend of Foe)).As QF engineers, we would be "disciplined" if we gave Tech Log/ Cabin Log writeoffs like these... however tempted we may be to do so (at times) :-)Cheers.Ian.

Hi Ian,that sounds more logical - I suppose, airline logs are inspected frequently by the authorities, so that putting jokes like that in it may not be too wise...Cheers,Gosta.

>By >the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had >an accident. Southwest has never had a crash...

In 1999, a Quantas 747-400 skidded onto a golf course in Bangkok. Is that not an accident? No fatalities, however.Tabs, what is this then? http://www.airdisaster.com/eyewitness/wn1455.shtmlLee Hetherington (KBOS)

The correct slogan for Qantas is - "we have never killed anyone"...or perhaps a more positive one would be..."we get more people there alive".Slogans care of the movie "Crazy People" with Dudley Moore (RIP)Volvo - boxy, but good.Jaguar - buy one and get hand jobs from girls you don't even know.Porche - too small to get laid in, but when you get out....United Airlines - we get more people there alive.Medamusel - if you don't take it, you'll get cancer and die....just a few I remember off hand.Rob.

Lee,No 'U' in Qantas mate.

Hi Gosta,Some funny stuff alrite! But.. you will find that Finnair has NEVER had an accident.cheers,Tero

Hi Tero,yeah, I know it's not accurate - I just pasted it from an e-mail I got. I guess the author got his information from watching 'Rain Man'...On the subject of accidents, some time ago I checked out a website with accident statistics for all (or nearly all) major airlines. Does anyone know the URL?Cheers,Gosta.

I can't believe I did that. I KNOW there is no 'u' in Qantas. Sorry.Lee Hetherington (KBOS)

Finnair accident: 8 November 1963, DC-3, 44 fatalities. It's amazing what you can find with google.Lee Hetherington (KBOS)

Haha - all this bad information out there....I think we need an on-line encyclopedia of useless trivia."Finland, Finland, Finland, the place where I want to be..."Monty Python

Oh yeah, I remember that Burbank incident now... I guess what I meant is they've never had a "crash" crash - like a plane falling out of the sky and killing a bunch of people ala that Alaska MD-80...

I do it too. Just can't train my fingers not to hit the "u" after striking a "Q".

Hey Rob,Sorry about dropping out ATL-JAX. I could not call for taxi because I lost control of flaps again, then parts of the panel started locking up. Right after you landed, I figured out my keyboard went bad. I had a spare one in the garage so I loaded back up and completed the flight. I logged in the instant you signed off.