Aviation jokes and fun :)

[klm251 62]

hey all :) i think it wouldn't do any harm to make a topic with aviation jokes and stuff :) here are a few of mine feel free to add your jokes as well :)While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "Oh my! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?""Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land." AfroA Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"Airline cabin announcementsAll too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[Ioan92 63]

Oldies but goodies!:(

[AirbusCG 52]

Haha, :( :( :( damn, i can't stop laughing...really cood idea to make this thread...

[SWVA4420 8]

Airline Lingo....Blue juice: The water in the lavatory toilet. “There’s no blue juice in the lav.”Crotch watch: The required check to make sure all passengers have their seat belts fastened. Also: “groin scan.”Crumb crunchers: Kids. “We’ve got a lot of crumb crunchers on this flight.”Deadheading: When an airline employee flies as a passenger for company business.Gate lice: The people who gather around the gate right before boarding so they can be first on the plane. “Oh, the gate lice are thick today.”George: Autopilot. “I’ll let George take over.”Landing lips: Female passengers put on their “landing lips” when they use their lipstick just before landing.Pax: Passengers.Spinners: Passengers who get on late and don’t have a seat assignment, so they spin around looking for a seat.Two-for-once special: The plane touches down on landing, bounces up, then touches down again.

[Sodee 0]

Take a look at this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPkpAptDTzc

[klm251 62]

Take a look at this.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPkpApt :(

[rgamurot 1]

:( What airline was that?Here's my personal favorite for flight attendant announcements. You have to skip to about the 2min mark though

[yycvor 5]

I always liked this one

[WestAir 2,530]

SR-71 Blackbird Pilot: LA Center, Nighthawk One requesting clearance to FL 600.LA Center: If you think you can climb to FL 600, you're cleared to try it!SR-71 Blackbird: Roger, Nighthawk One descending to Flight Level 600. The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"Tower: Cessna 172 say your altitude?Cessna (Student Pilot): We're at flight level 3500. [350,000 ft]Tower: Roger Cessna, contact NASA space center for further instruction.Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify yourself."

[Sawydz 4]

This one is not that funny, but I like it, mainly because of the girl dancing in the front, if anyone knows her phone number, pm me please

[Ioan92 63]

This one is not that funny, but I like it, mainly because of the girl dancing in the front, if anyone knows her phone number, pm me please

I sware that the noise at the begining was like Betty going crazy. Talking about that; here a song, made by Betty and his friend from Boeing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZTByNikNTk

:(:(

[Airbus Commander 563]

I sware that the noise at the begining was like Betty going crazy. Talking about that; here a song, made by Betty and his friend from Boeing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZTByNikNTk

:(:(

I'd swear some of those sound lik the MD-11, was this PMDG made?

[Ioan92 63]

I'd swear some of those sound lik the MD-11, was this PMDG made?

The copilot sounds are straight from the MD-11 I am sure. That handsome F/O voice is unforgettable :D

[straks 0]

I will add one that actually happen at LKPR. In CzechAirlines some of the Boing pilots doesn´t rly like the Airbus pilots and oposite. Once where there was alot of planes waiting for departure making beeline the pilots in the front plane that was an airbus have some problems, and they were holding all the other planes behind as they can´t departure saying that they have some problem with the "computers". Then they answers the tower question and this happens.Airbus pilot: Tower we aren´t ready for departure we still have problems with the computer.Than the Boeing pilot come in.Boeing pilot: You know what? Press triangle square L2 and fly to the ###### hole with your playstation.Unfortunately the Airbus pilot take it too serious and complain to him so the Boieng pilot got some recourse from the authorities. :(

[xamil 0]