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SpiritFlyer

Canada is Boring (Satire)

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Canada is boring. We have boring issues. It's true. That is why Americans and Europeans generally ignore us.

 

Whether we should paint our warships light green (a la Air Canada) or grey and or to restore the "Royal" in front of the "Canadian Air Force" and the "Canadian Navy" really light up the talk show telephone lines. We never had a real Watergate type thing before when quotes like, "I am not a crook!" makes up headlines. The political left, middle or right is defined by which of the three sides of the question concerning cutting health care wait periods for elective surgery is the major plank in an election platform, whether by half, a third or only a quarter. That's the exciting part. It gets dull from there.

 

To stay awake past 8:00pm we watch the breathless newscasts of the frantic political hysteria in the Excited States of America to the south. Without such external stimuli we'd fall asleep in self-satisfied complacent boredom. That was up to a few days ago. This past week the Canadian federal government is being rocked with a scandal where people known and respected for decades for their integrity are being compellingly accused of corruption and false expense accounting, and what is even worse, bungling the cover-up.

 

Now it reaches all the way to the Prime Minister's office with the PM's Chief of Staff having to resign for "gifting" a Conservative Senator with over $90,000 to pay back falsely billed expenses, allegedly to preempt the details becoming public. Two other Conservatives have been booted from the party for the same sort of thing, plus a Liberal is on the ropes, fighting for his political life for what looks to be the same. There is fear of much more, and perhaps worse, yet to come.

 

To be fair, awhile back heads rolled when the liberals had grocery bags of cash distributed hither and yon to circumvent political spending limits in Quebec. But even before that, a Conservative Prime Minister accepted a briefcase stuffed with a whooping "$225,000 to $250,000" cash retainer (depending who is telling the story) for services to be rendered after he left office.

 

Oh yes, there was also the time when a Liberal cabinet minister in charge of awarding public contracts was driven out of office for suspicion of being suspicious and hastily appointed as the Ambassador to Denmark to get him out of the country. The conservatives re-coined the old term "There's something rotten in Denmark."

 

Then again there was Kim Campbell, Canada's first female Prime Minister, who gained office when elected as head of the ruling Conservative party, thereby becoming Prime Minister. Confident of her personal popularity after an encouraging poll or two, she called a snap election. Her team made the fundamental mistake of not realizing that Canadians, like our American cousins, are decent people at the ordinary voter level.

 

Party hotshots designed a bitter attack ad against Liberal leader Jean Chrétien, making fun of a facial impediment due to a birth defect, slotting it in an early morning breakfast nationwide newscast. The moment it ran the election was over. It was 30 seconds of self afflicted injury. Most voters were personally ashamed, for they too had thought and joked about the same thing for years. No one likes a bully, let alone acting like one. Urgent apologies and regrets came too late.

 

Watch the clip! It should be analyzed by everyone everywhere studying politics 101)

 

http://www.cbc.ca/archives/categories/politics/prime-ministers/kim-campbell-first-and-foremost/is-this-a-prime-minister.html

 

The people's justice was swift and nearly fatal. On election day Prime Minister Campbell lost not only her own seat, but also another 166 out of the 169 seats won at the previous election. Just two, Quebec's Jean Charest and Elsie Wayne, an elderly lady from New Brunswick beat the odds. Jean became known as Captain Canada and Elsie collected headlines for her caustic, politically incorrect tongue. Together they hit far above their weight.

 

Never fear though! Only a couple of elections later Jean Charest was the Liberal Premier of Quebec (don't ask!), while the Conservatives whittled the federal Liberals down from 211 seats to 37. Things change up here as fast as snow melts in July.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention, that meanwhile, Quebec elected 54 separatists to the federal Parliament of Canada, who became the official opposition, with a political manifesto to break up the country. In a fit of irony, the leader of the separatist party became "Prime Minister in waiting" as the leader of "Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition". All 54 separatists swore that they bore true allegiance to Sa Majesté Elizabeth Deux, par la grâce de Dieu, Reine du Canada to take their seats, and thereby run the country into the ground, perpetuating the tradition that unprincipled politicians will do, swear to, or promise anything, to get elected and take office. Imagine that!

 

In the most recent federal election Quebec once again did the totally unexpected. They kicked out all but 4 of the separatist Parti Quebecois, and elected 59 New Democratic Party MPs (up from 1), giving dozens of idealist university students, as young as 19 years old, their first real job. It was political magic, as leader Jack Layton seemed to take the philosophical high ground displaying prime ministerial like statesmanship. One rural French speaking riding elected a distant city waitress who could not speak French, who never even visited the riding, at least during the campaign. "Jumping Jack Flash" turned them into the official opposition, with 103 seats.

 

Perhaps providentially, this odd collection of inexperienced kids didn't have enough time to degenerate into a scandal riddled, undisciplined, free-for-all implosion before Jack left them to suddenly grow up on their own. What happened next is unparalleled in Canadian history. The public knew Jack had been diagnosed with prostate cancer the year before, but believed his optimistic reports that it was minor, and all but beaten. He looked great, full of energy in keeping with his optimistic and (either endearing or irritating) "Napoleon" complex.

 

He convincingly blamed the use of a cane on tripping off stage and twisting his foot. We believed him, and millions suddenly, to my fear and indignation, believed in him. Some speculated, not without reason, that had there been another week or so in the campaign, he might have made it all the way to 66 Sussex Drive (the official PM residence). Still, things could not have been much more surreal.

 

It is difficult to explain how noble people can be, even the press. The entire country's political press core had not scooped what most of them knew, nor did friend or foe breathe a public word. Others close by may have suspected the worse, but restrained comment and stifled speculation, so there was no "breaking news." When the time was right, the conspiracy of silence was broken all at once.

 

In July, Jack Layton called a national news conference. The election had only been held in May and he was just sworn into office in June. When the cameras started there was silence from the waiting reporters, but when he walked through the door his appearance, a mere shadow of himself, and weak voice shocked them and the nation. We knew. He pretended to be optimistic and that it would be all right, that he had a good fighting chance, and we pretended to believe him. His eyes betrayed the truth, as I suppose did ours:

 

 

I know of at least one life-long conservative activist who had trouble keeping it together right then (me). In August, just a month later, Jack Layton's was the first state funeral Canada ever held for an opposition leader. Prime Minister Harper melted his frozen image as he led the nation in mourning with compassion for the man, and respect for the political movement and legacy he left orphaned.

 

Now, less than two years later, the Liberals, led by the newly crowned son of former Prime Minister Trudeau, is at the top of the polls. Things change faster up here than lakes becoming hockey rinks in December. The once invincible Conservatives, plagued by corruption scandals, who once owned the honesty, integrity and responsible governance brand are smelling like the former ambassador to Denmark. Conservatives are in big trouble, and with cash from the Prime Minister's chief of staff dropped in the middle, the turbulence is rocking the wings off the political right.

 

Last Thursday I could give somewhat of a sigh of relief, that even though we may have shot our self in the head, the rest of the body politic is doing OK, all things considered. After all, if it comes to that, we have an old saying that applies particularly well to our Prime Ministers: "The King is Dead! Long live the King!" In any case, there is always the Queen (applause), or Charles (silence), and perhaps eventually Kate and William (cheers). BTW, am I the only one who has noticed that Americans seem to forget why they revolted whenever they are graciously included with a side trip and photo-ops after the royals visit Canada?

 

Anyway, perhaps we may soon be able to return to being that boring place north of the border, but not yet. Now we have breaking news that there is a certain 6 month old video, that, if it exists, purports to show His Worship Rob Ford, the Mayor of Toronto smoking crack cocaine with drug dealers from Somalia, who are offering to sell it for a couple hundred thousand dollars.

 

If true, then it will be strike three against Toronto, who have already shamed the entire country for decades with the Toronto Maple Leafs' failure to win back the Stanley Cup, and for being wimps, having once called in the army to dig them out of a snowstorm. Imagine, as if a few feet of snow is anything to whine and snivel about in Canada!

 

And so, perhaps we are not so different after all from our more interesting friends to the south. Maybe Canadians are just waking up with extreme cabin fever after our long winter's hibernation, and delirious with an intoxicating case of spring fever.

 

There you go. Now you know things about Canadian politics you always wanted to know, but were afraid to ask.

 

Kind regards,

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As a fellow Canadian, I found this an enjoyable and accurate read. Well done!

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I was at a graduation this past weekend in Maine, USA.  One of the speakers said, "You know what a Canadian is, don't you?  It's an unarmed North American with health care."

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There is a common theme . Corruption in the far north and the near south. See, we're more alike than you once thought.  I sympathize with you. It is very disheartening. At least it is pretty up there. It is very strange that Americans know more about Mexico than Canada.

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Canada will be just fine, eh? Couldn't resist it.

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No mention of Canada's other major contributions to the world....You know, Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Nickleback. People just love that stuff :LMAO:

 

Glad to see that RUSH was finally inducted into the Rocknroll hall of fame.

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Who we play hockey tournaments with and have curling competition with not those Texans.  They still sell Twinkies too 

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Justin Bieber

Bieber for Prime Minister :lol:  :ph34r:

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No mention of Canada's other major contributions to the world....You know, Justin Bieber, Celine Dion, Avril Lavigne, Nickleback. People just love that stuff :LMAO:

 

Glad to see that RUSH was finally inducted into the Rocknroll hall of fame.

Don't forget Neil Young, Robbie Robertson, Rick Danko, Randy Bachman, Frank Mills.

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Don't forget Neil Young, Robbie Robertson, Rick Danko, Randy Bachman, Frank Mills.

I would also add Gordon Lightfoot, Stan Rogers, Shania Twain, Anne Murray, Sarah McLachlan, Joni Mitchell, Burton Cummings and Leonard Cohen to that list as well.

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Stephen, you are obviously bored. It is time to turn you into an honorary Cajun. Consider it done. Please don't embarrass them. :Praying:

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I never get tired of hearing "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot. Truly a classic. Never was a fan of Neil Young. Lynrd Skynrd said it best.



By the way, you guys left off the Grass Roots. 

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Forgot about Gordy Lightfoot. "Sundown is a classic as well.

 

Look what Stephen started :)

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By the way, you guys left off the Grass Roots.

 


 

Mistake corrected.

Those are Cajun Grass Roots by the way!

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The hanger that this chat is going on in must be empty!

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attachicon.gifroots.jpg

 

Mistake corrected.

Those are Cajun Grass Roots by the way!

 

Looks like Justin Bieber's hair do!!  Typing his name sent a shudder down my spine. :Nail Biting:

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Bob and Doug Mckenzie taught me alot about Canada when I was young.  Bubbles and the Trailer Park Boys taught me the rest :lol:

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Never was a fan of Neil Young. Lynrd Skynrd said it best.

Funny I was just explaining that rivalry to my GF last week. Best way I can put it, when you go to a local pub in the USA, Canada, Australia and even here in New Zealand on a Friday or a Saturday Night, you are almost guaranteed to hear Sweet Home Alabama. I can't remember the last time I heard a Neil Young song in the pub.

 

Lynyrd Skynyrd got the last word on that one.

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Here is a list of famous Canadians from

 

http://pages.infinit.net/garrick/canada/canpeople.html

 

A. Brian Adams (singer), Dan Akroyd (comic and actor), Pamela Anderson Lee (Baywatch actor), Richard Dean Anderson (Macgyver), Paul Anka (singer), April Wine (band), Jan Arden (musician), Arrogant Worms (music group), Margaret Atwood [(1939- ), author]

 

B. Bachman-Turner Overdrive (band), Donavan Bailey (track and field), Carroll Baker (country singer), Frederick Banting/ Charles Best (Nobel Prize for discovering insulin in 1922), Bass is Base (music group), Bare Naked Ladies (music group), Myriam Bedard (biathalon, 2 gold medals in 1994 olympics), Jean Beliveau (hockey player), Alexander Graham Bell [(1847-1922), invented the telephone in Brantford, Ontario, in 1874], Billy Bishop [(1894-1956), WWI flying ace - shot down 72 enemy planes], Blue Rodeo (band), J. Armand Bombardier [(1907-1964), invented the "Ski-Doo" (i.e. snowmobile)], Roberta Bondar (astronaut), Raymond Bourque (hockey player), Martin Brodeur (hockey player), Kurt Browning (figure skater), Michael Budman (co-founded 'Roots' clothing chain), Sandra Bullock (actress), Raymond Burr (actor, "Perry Mason"), Pierre Burton [(1920- ), journalist, author, director]

 

C. James Cameron (director of "Aliens", "Terminator", "True Lies" & "Titanic"), Rod Cameron (actor), Neve Campbell (actress), John Candy (comic and actor), Jim Carrey (actor), Emily Carr [(1871-1945), painter and writer], Kim Cattrall (actress, Valeris in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country), Sarah Chalke (actress), Patrick Chan (Ice Figure Skater, World Champion), Thomas Chong (comedian, 1/2 of Cheech & Chong), William Christie [(1829-1900) founded the Christie biscuit company], Paul Coffey (hockey player), Leonard Cohen [(1934- ), poet and singer], Crash Test Dummies (band), David Cronenberg (director)

 

D. Robertson Davies (author), Celine Dion (singer), James Doohan (actor, Scotty of Star Trek)

 

E. Timothy Eaton [(1834-1907), founded Eaton Co. 1867], Econoline Crush (music group), David Elliot (actor on Melrose Place), Rik Emmett (musician, of the band Triumph), Robert Esmie (sprinter, gold in Atlanta)

 

F. Ivan Ferguson (developed IMAX and OMNIMAX film systems), Maynard Ferguson (jazz trumpeter), Dave Foley (actor), Glenn Ford (movie Actor), David Foster (composer), Michael J. Fox ([1961- ) actor], Terry Fox ("Marathon of Hope" 1981), Matt Frewer (actor, Max Headroom), Fruit de la passion (singer)

 

G. John Kenneth Galbraith (US economist and diplomat), Marc Garneau (astronaut), Glenroy Gilbert (sprinter, gold in Atlanta), Samuel Goldwyn (of MGM), Robert Goulet (actor), Great Big Sea (band), Don Green (co-founded 'Roots'clothing chain), Lorne Greene (actor), Wayne Gretzky [(1961- ), hockey player], Paul Gross (actor), Bruce Greenwood, (actor, Nowhere Man on UPN), Guess Who (band), Peter Gzowski (author, broadcaster)

 

H. Monty Hall (game show host), Rick Hansen (wheelchair athlete "Man in Motion" tour), Lawren Harris [(1885-1970), painter], Cory Hart (singer), Phil Hartman (actor, comedian), Bret the Hitman Hart, Headstones (music group]), Charles Hays (Railroad Builder, Drowned with Titanic), Jeff Healey (musician), Tim Horton (hockey player, donut mogul), Gordie Howe [(1928- ), hockey player], Henry Hudson (explorer; Hudson Bay) in 1611, Bobby Hull (NHL Hall of Famer), Brett Hull (hockey player), Tommy Hunter (Country singer)

 

I. I Mother Earth (band), Michael Ironside (actor)

 

J. Ferguson Jenkins (hall of fame pitcher), Peter Jennings (newscaster), Ben Johnson (track and field), Lynn Johnson (cartoonist - For Better or For Worse)

 

K. Margot Kidder (Psycho\actress), The Killjoys (music group), The Kids in the Hall (comics-actors-geniuses)

 

L. K.D. Lang (punk-country and pop singer, composer), Margaret Laurence (author), Stephen Leacock (1869-1944) (humorist), Geddy Lee (singer), Mario Lemieux (hockey player, NHL's leading scorer, AlexLifeson (guitarist for RUSH), Gordon Lightfoot (singer), Eric Lindros (hockey player), Rich Little (comedian), Guy Lombardo [(1902-1977), bandleader The Royal Canadians], Lowinger, Tessa (and Wiebe, Jennifer) (behind the first unionization of a McDonald's)

 

M. Cluny MacPherson [(1879-1966), invented the gas mask], Howie Mandel (comedian), Elizabeth Manley (figure skater), Amanda Marshall (singer), John McCrae [(1872-1918), doctor, wrote "In FlandersField" 1915], Sarah McLachlan (Singer), Mark Messier (hockey player), Joni Mitchell [(1943- ), singer-composer], Kim Mitchell (musician), Moist (Music group), Lucy Maud Montgomery [(1874-1942), author of Anne of Green Gables], The Moffatts: Dave, Bob, Scott & Clint (band), Greg Moore (indycar driver), Rob Moore (very big in the computer industry), Rick Moranis (actor), Alanis Morrisette (singer), Barry Morse (actor, from the original Fugitive), Farley Mowat (author), Anne Murray (singer-composer), Mike Myers (Saturday Night Live actor)

 

N. Dr. Naismith [(1861-1939),invented basketball in1891], Cam Neely (hockey player), John Neville (director), Leslie Nielsen (actor)

 

O. Odds (band), Catherine O'Hara (actress), Brian Orser (figure skater), Our Lady Peace (band)

 

P. Lester B. Pearson (Canadian prime minister, Nobel Prize for Peace 1957), Neil Peart (of RUSH), Matthew Perry (actor, Friends), Stone Phillips (newscaster), Gordon Pinsent (actor), Sarah Polley (actress), Jason Priestly (90210 actor), Christopher Plummer (actor, Chang in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country)

 

Q. Paul Quarrington (author)

 

R. Mark Recchi (hockey player), Keanu Reeves (actor,), Ivan Reitman (director), Manon Rheaume (first lady of professional hockey), Maurice "Rocket" Richard (hockey player), Mordecai Richler (author), John Roberts (news anchor), Spider Robinson (writer), Patrick Roy (hockey player), Royal Canadian Air Farce (comedy group), Tommy Ryan [(1882-1961), invented 5-pin bowling], Rymes With Orange (Music group)

 

S. Morley Safer (60 minutes journalist), Joe Sakic (hockey player), Devon Sawa (actor), Paul Schaffer, Barbara Ann Scott (figure skater - gold medal 1948), Laura Secord (confectioner/stool pigeon), Mack Sennett (Michael Sinnott) [(1880-1960) launched Charlie Chaplin's career, creator of the Keystone Kops], Brendan Shanahan (hockey player), William Shatner (actor and author), Martin Short (actor), Joe Shuster [(1914-1992) co-creator of Superman], Jay Silverheels [(1919-1980),Tonto in The Lone Ranger], Sloan (Band), Spirit of the West (music group), Steppenwolf (rock band), Emily Stowe [(1831-1903), first Canadian woman to practice medicine], Elvis Stoyko (figure skater), Alfred Sung (designer), Bruny Surin (sprinter), Donald Sutherland [(1935- ), actor], Keifer Sutherland (actor - Donald's son), David Suzuki (environmentalist, geneticist, writer)

 

T. Ken Taylor (Canadian ambassador smuggled Americans out of Iran, 1980 - called The Canadian Caper), The Tea Party (music group), Allan Thicke (actor), Dave Thomas (actor, comedian), The Tragically Hip (music band), Paul Tracy (indycar driver), Alex Trebek (Jeopardy host), Shania Twain (singer)

 

U. Gary Unger (hockey player)

 

V. Gilles Villeneuve (F1 racing driver), Jacques Villeneuve (F1 racing driver)

 

W. Jack Warner (co-founded Warner Bros.), Larry Walker (baseball player), The Watchmen (Music Band), Wiebe, Jennifer (and Lowinger, Tessa ) (behind the first unionization of a McDonald's), Fay Wray (actress, King Kong), Michelle Wright (Music)

 

Y. Neil Young (singer-composer)

 

Z. Zampano

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Interesting list Stephen. Curious though to why Frank Mills ("Music Box Dancer", Peter Piper" ) is missing from the list

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Interesting list Stephen. Curious though to why Frank Mills ("Music Box Dancer", Peter Piper" ) is missing from the list

I don't know Julien. They don't have them all at the site, and are missing quite a few. I added Charles Hays, Tommy hunter, Rita McNeil, Stompin Tom and a few others. I will add Frank Mills in and Chief Dan George too.

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Stompin Tom Conners....May he RIP....And the Good Ole Hockey Game song.....Classic

 

Hello out there, we're on the air, it's 'Hockey Night' tonight.

Tension grows, the whistle blows, and the puck goes down the ice.

The goalie jumps, and the players bump, and the fans all go insane.

Someone roars, "Bobby Scores!", at the good ol' Hockey Game.

 

Oh! The good ol' Hockey game, is the best game you can name.

And the best game you can name, is the good ol' Hockey game.

 

Second Period.

 

Where players dash, with skates aflash, the home team trails behind.

But they grab the puck, and go bursting up, and they're down across the line.

They storm the crease, like bumble bees, they travel like a burning flame.

We see them slide, the puck inside, it's a one-one hockey game.

 

Oh! The good ol' Hockey game, is the best game you can name.

And the best game you can name, is the good ol' Hockey game.

 

Third Period. Last game of the playoff too!

 

Oh take me where, the hockey players, face off down the rink.

And the Stanley Cup, is all filled up, for the champs who win the drink.

Now the final flick, of a hockey stick, and the one gigantic scream.

"The puck is in! The home team wins!", the good ol' hockey game.

 

Oh! The good ol' Hockey game, is the best game you can name.

And the best game you can name, is the good ol' Hockey game.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hockey_Song

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Tommy Chong, can't forget about him wish those po po leave the old man alone.

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