A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OEING!...."

Last one for today...

 

An A380 pilot was bragging to a Boeing 747 pilot about how great his aircraft was and how wonderfully it flew. The Boeing pilot turned to the Airbus pilot with a smirk and said, "Well, at least my plane doesn't call me a retard every time I attempt to land it."

lol   keep them  coming

I love the second one! Never saw the "retard" announcement that way! 

A C5 Galaxy and 747 are on the taxiway, waiting to depart.  The 747 pilot radios to the C5 "what are you grossin' today?"    The C5 pilot, in a snarky voice...."oh about 100,000 pounds more than you, what are YOU grossin'?'

The 747 pilot replies "oh about 100,000 dollars more than YOU"

As Sheldon would say..."Bazinga!" 

A B747 is parked next to an A380 at an airport. The pilot of the 747 says to the other one: how long do you have left on your lease contract. The a380 replies with it ends tomorrow and then I am ferried to Arizona for storage. The b747 replies with: oh mine just got extended for 5 years.

An airline Captain dies and winds-up in line to see St Peter at the pearly gates.  Of course, he's sharply dressed in his full uniform, Rolex on display.  He keeps checking his watch and decides to investigate the delay by rushing up to the front of the line.

CPT - Sir, what is the reason for this delay, I have a schedule to keep.

PTR - I hear you, please return to your spot in line.

After waiting another 20-30 minutes, the Captain repeats the process.

CPT - Sir, I am an AIRLINE CAPTAIN, and I insist that I go ahead on schedule

PTR - Right, return to position and hold.

Incensed, the Captain waits in line.  Suddenly, an immaculately-dressed Captain walks by, goes straight to St Peter, who lets him right in.

The Captain rushes forward and demands an explanation

CPT - Why did you let HIM in here, didn't you see that I have seniority?  Who does he think he is?

PTR - Oh, him?  That was God, he just likes to pretend he's an airline captain.

 

And another classic.  The aircraft of the future is being designed now, the cockpit will only have two occupants, a pilot and a dog.  The pilot will be there to feed the dog, the dog will be there to bite the pilot if he tries to touch anything.

 

 

 

-Scott Brandenburg.

Here goes, a smart alec ppl was on approach to a small field when to break up the boredom, he radios the control tower with " Guess who?". The controller promptly switches off the runway lights and radios back, "Guess where?".

On 2/5/2018 at 3:03 AM, mcbellette said:

Last one for today...

 

An A380 pilot was bragging to a Boeing 747 pilot about how great his aircraft was and how wonderfully it flew. The Boeing pilot turned to the Airbus pilot with a smirk and said, "Well, at least my plane doesn't call me a retard every time I attempt to land it."

I have MS (seriously).....I'm not a retard; I'm a cripple...you gotta keep a sense of humor.

Change the profession to suit.

What does a pilot use for birth control?                       His personality.

What's the difference between a Boeing pilot and an Airbus pilot?

A Boeing pilot has something between his legs.

 

As a retort, one may say that Boeing pilots have something between their legs but Airbus pilots can get a little on the side.

Last one tonight. I was reminded of this old joke today as a car crashed into a cemetery today in Sydney...

 

A two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 200 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. 

9 hours ago, azkid6372 said:

I have MS (seriously).....I'm not a retard; I'm a cripple...you gotta keep a sense of humor.

You could take it with a grain of salt because Retard is the standard message of the airbus to let the pilot know to reduce the throttle.

I can join this... I'm still looking for my list of Tens Ways Women are Different from Airplanes; however, for now:

My first wife didn't like to fly, either.
— Gordon Baxter, long-time writer for Flying magazine.

That's not flying, that's just falling with style.
— Woody, from the 1996 movie Toy Story, regarding Buzz Lightyear.

There is an art … to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
— Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. (I've got the whole passage)

Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.
— LCDR Thomas Quinn, USN.

Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
— Captain Rex Kramer, in the movie Airplane.

We have clearance, Clarence. Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
— Cockpit crew in the movie Airplane.

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
— Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel

When the weight of the paper equals the weight of the airplane, only then you can go flying.
— attributed to Donald Douglas (Mr. DC-n).

The bulk of mankind is as well equipped for flying as thinking.
— Jonathon Swift

In response to how he checked the weather, "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When color of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"
— Gordon Baxter

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God.
— Gordon Baxter

10 hours ago, mcbellette said:

....

As a retort, one may say that Boeing pilots have something between their legs but Airbus pilots can get a little on the side.

I have heard that the airbus fold out trays can support up to 90 kg....